rife with funny i forget

I have one big project and three small papers due between now and Dec. 11th.  I am feeling no pain.  There is stuff I could be doing, but nothing I should be doing.  Nothing that needs getting done tonight, anyway.

You see what I did just there?  Could vs. should?  How’s that for stress management?  I’m either learning how to deal with my own inherent fucked-upedness or just getting lazier.  Let’s put our money on the former, what do you say?

My dad is, like, me to the nth degree.  Stressed out constantly, constantly, and increasingly more miserable as each day passes.  He’s had a rough life, to be sure – abusive childhood home, Vietnam, a physically demanding line of work – and he’s getting older.  It could be better for him, I know, but what he needs to do to make it better is so contradictory to his nature it would take a miracle to get him there.  I don’t know – I’m just sad.  Sad for him and sad for my mom and sad for us all.  He was this big, loud man with rough hands when I was growing up – the prototypical provider.  This is a person who got into a major car accident after getting called into work one night and got out of his van to try walking the rest of the way to the job, all the while dripping blood from his head wound on the snow and ice under his feet.  I always worried about my mom being strong enough to survive if he died or left, and now it’s just the opposite.  My mom will be fine with whatever happens – hurt and broken for a while, but ultimately fine.  My dad, though…  My dad.  I wish I could do more to bring him joy than talk on the phone and bring the kids down for Thanksgiving and send him a silly card now and then.  I wish there were more he could take from me, from anyone.  But he is what he is and I love him no matter what, so I’ll do what I can and say what will be heard (and some things that won’t, inevitably), and tell my mom to buy life insurance and send him my love.

He’s probably responsible for a lot of the joy in my life – both from just being my dad (flaws and all) and from giving me an example of where my own ticks and idiosyncrasies could lead, if I let them take over.

I’m just sort of feeling it all right now, after a call to my mom earlier.  I was actually going to take a night totally off – watch a show then do some reading (Consider the Lobster by David Foster Wallace and no, I’m not obsessing on DFW again, it was just on display at the library and who can pass up a chance to read the words “I’m a little fuckhole” in an essay and have it deconstructed by the best?  And how badly do I want to title this post “I’m a little fuckhole” and see my stats go through the damn roof?  Very badly.).  So, anyway, I didn’t even intend to come to the computer at all – the room it’s in is quite cold and I just wasn’t feeling it – but then I heard a song on Chuck and had to come look it up.  Chuck, the TV show, is a blast and I highly recommend it, even for you non-TV watching types.  The geeky and the funny and the sentimental in a non-treacly way and the Adam Baldwin of “I’ll be in my bunk” Firefly fame.  It’s just a good, fun show.  Tonight’s episode was full of quotes, just rife with finny I forget and can’t quote here for you (apologies).  And whoever does the music has taste I can get behind; I came back here tonight to find that song which turned out to be Keep Yourself Warm by Frightened Rabbit which now leads me to having a whole new band to fall for (good lord, you can hear their scottish accents and I’m a goner) and to scrape up money which which to delve and obsess a little.

And that’s my Chuck love.  I’m actually not watching as much TV this fall – that and Fringe (which is new and kind of cheesy but lovely and I hope it doesn’t get canceled) and 30 Rock (my big girl crush on Tina Fey).  Oh, and speaking of girl crushes, Top Chef is back on and Padma has never been more perfect and Padma.  It’s too early to say anything about the cast (except the guy with a crush on Tom who already has my vote), but Padma…  Yeah, anyway.  Oh, and Ghost Hunters, because I’m have an early class on Wed. and am unavailable for anything else around 9pm.  And Gilmore Girls on Monday mornings because it’s good and I don’t care what you think and la la la la la I can’t hear you!

Okay, fine.  My secret shame is public.  I will now distract you with some might fine music.  Frightened Rabbit below.


~ by other on November 17, 2008.

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