Mark all as read, motherfucker!

You know you’re not in a real splendid head space when you are screaming in your head at Google Reader.  “I said ‘Mark all as read’, motherfucker!  ‘Mark all as read!'”  And then I’m like, um, time for bed.  Or a hot shower.  Soon enough.

So my roof was man-handled by the storm this weekend.  70 mile an hour winds, apparently, will rip 16-year-old cheap-ass shingles to shreds.  And those shreds were all over my lawn Friday morning.  But, hey, I have a reason to be optimistic.  If the young-ish, perky sounding insurance lady was swayed by my genuine shock (SHOCK) that the roof basically fell off she may give me some cash money to get the thing fixed.  And since we really needed a new roof anyway, this could be a good thing.  Optimism, friends.  Optimism.

Speaking of which, March is finally here.  I said a not very fond “fuck you” to January when it was over, and I say it again to February.  Fuck you, February.  I am glad you are gone.  It’s actually been a decent winter, in the sense that it hasn’t snowed non-stop.  In fact, it’s hardly snowed at all.  But it’s still been winter, which has meant cold and slush and grey grey grey grey.  I was driving to work a couple of weeks ago and realized that the scene outside my window might as well have been black and white.  It is not inspiring, to say the least.

But, (optimism again), the days are longer and there are actually patches of green on the lawn (the part not covered by my wayward shingles) and by the end of this month I’ll have seeds started for the garden, and that’s all good.  And it will get better.

All this optimism, by the way, may be chemically induced.  About a month ago I started taking generic Zoloft.  My first foray into the world of psychopharmaceuticals, at least as a patient.  I’m reluctantly pro-meds.  I think they are way over prescribed, to be honest, because I think there is a lot of sadness and fear and etc. that is normal and natural and that we need to feel if we’re going to become bigger and better versions of ourselves.  But at the same time I’ve seen kids who were on the verge of not being able to function at all really get their lives back from meds.  Adults, too.  So… I’m conflicted, I guess, at best.  And when my own anxiety became quite literally overwhelming I spent a few weeks debating with myself and finally decided to try it.  The doctor who prescribed for me was a) super hot and b) really ethical in trying to determine if I need this or was just looking for a quick fix.  So I tried it and I’m pretty ambivalent.   It controls the anxiety to an extent and allows me to get through the day without crunching numbers in my head on an hourly basis (sounds like a good time, right?  why on earth give that up?).  And I sleep better, and am probably more patient and resilient.  But I do feel a little dulled, for lack of a better term.  A little tiny bit blurry and maybe a bit bland.  I don’t think this shows outwardly so much (the dull part), but I feel it.  The question is – was the anxiety so bad that this new set of changes is worth it?  And I’m not sure of the answer yet.  I’m going to give it a while longer, especially since the roof repair – even with any insurance money – is going to clean us out financially, my job may get cut for next year, and so on and so on.  But really long-term… I think I won’t be too attached to these meds.

And why the hell am I discussing this online?  Because I talk a lot, even electronically.  Because I’ve been kind of riffing about my life all along on this blog and feel no reason to stop now.  And because so many people are embarrassed about mental health issues that don’t need to be, because there is no “normal” at all and we are all, in one way or another either messed up or unique, depending on how you look at it.  So you will get my better living through chemistry experiment updates from time to time.  Feel free to laugh, or pat me on the back, or ask questions.

And don’t forget the Victorian orgy I’m participating in as LaurieB over here.  Flavored vinegar this week.  The sky is the limit next week.

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~ by other on March 1, 2010.

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